But I digress, digression being a familiar, joyful past time for me. One of the main articles is a breakdown of things a man should and should not say. While the list of terms that need to re-enter the lexicon are noble, notable and disastrously underused (e.g., today, with the wind, it's colder than a witch's tit. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about this one: "19 Things a Man Should Never Say."
To make the viewing of the list more appropriate, I've included my personal scorecard below for derisive purposes.
The list:
- reach out (not the physical act of stretching arm in sleeve)
GM's take: Thank god I don't. For the time being, I am not one of those guys. You know who you are, California.
Score: 0 - panties
GM's take: Do I admit to saying "Don't get your panties in a bunch"? Do I admit to using the diminutive of the female underthings? No. Or at least, not until there's a produced recording.
Score: 0 - Über-
Check. Though not as much as some may think. I've relegated this to the land of surferdom and Tool albums. One of those may apply to me. - mixed bag
Guilty. As in, "But really, [insert the following key phrases Bellow novel, Dentist's office, my dating life, geo-nuclear Realpolitik, using a cockring is completely a mixed bag."
Score: 1.5 - tummy
I initially wrote "no" instead of this word, which should hint at my feelings for it.
Score: 1.5 - veggie
There are certain words, that, were one to fess to their usage, would completely, utterly, irrevocably resign a man to a life of solitary confinement, dick shrivel and seventeen cats in a locked room. With one litter box.
Score: 2.5 - vino
I want to say no. I want to say no and know there are no tapes out there, no audible record of me ensconced on lawn chair, pinkie finger extended, white shirt billowing while I stare into a red-ringed empty plastic cup. I think Cat Stevens was playing.
Score: 3.5 - natch
See above. And the one before it.
Score: 4.5 - wingin' it
Okay, I can take a breather. I have never used this phrase ever in all my days as a reckless mangler of language and colloquialisms.
Score: 5.5 - nippy
With the inclusion of a single letter, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation ruined this word permanently. But how else would one describe the weather?
Score: 6.5 - The first name of any female celebrity when you don't follow it with her last name, "Miley," for instance
If this has happened (and note, I feign innocence at all times), it's most likely because I couldn't remember her last name. See scattered comments about my dating life (not necessarily in the post).
Score: 6.5 - pee
Score: 0.5 (a half-point taken off for good behavior)
Thus ends the "relatively unscathed" section of this list. Final score for section one: 6.5. Out of twelve. For the next stage, add one point for each phrase listed.
- belly button
- c---
- derring-do
- going forward
- It is what it is
- boobs
- folks
- teens
- slacks (the pants>
- gen
Thus ends the lightning round. Collect your prize, run home, cry to mommy, cut out your tongue with rusty pubic hair.
Score: 16.5
In my defense, how else does one say "Shortly after dropping off my folks, a little gen-y c--- with a tulip in her boobs took a pee on my slacks in a fit of derring-do. It is what it is, I have to remind myself this. I was on the way to the dentist, which is a whole other mixed bag within itself."?
I'm out of steam. And I lost count.
